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Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) - Brief Hiatus

The competition to crown the MOST METAL League of Legends champion is going on a brief hiatus while the judges deliberate in a rain-soaked mountaintop fortress on an island surrounded by lava.  Watch this space over the next week for more info!

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) - Round of 32 BATTLE ROYALE, Batch 4!

Today we continue the competition to find out who is the most METAL champion in the League of Legends!  Here are the results from Day 3:

\m/ DAY 3, MATCH 1
Cho’Gath vs
Yorick vs
Volibear vs
Malzahar

  • Alright.  Cho’Gath.  Dude is just a straight Metal BOSS.  The Terror of the Void?  I mean, come ON, that is METAL, son!  He’s a fucking evil demon horror from a place called the Void that could probably kill the shit out of everything if he wanted to.  His abilities are Rupture, Feral Scream, Vorpal Spikes, Feast, and Carnivore.  This guy is setting the STANDARD for Metal as Fuck.
  • Yorick is an undead gravedigger that kills people with a fucking SHOVEL.  That’s pretty damn Metal right there.  His abilities are Omens of War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death, as well as something called Unholy Covenant.  Dare I say… Metal as Fuck.
  • Volibear is a huge fucking polar bear that fucks shit up with lightning powers.  What the fuck else do you need to know?  How about the fact that his abilities include Frenzy, Thunder Claws, and Chosen of the Storm?  This guy is like a walking Power Metal album.
  • Malzahar is some kind of psychic dude who wandered into the Void and went completely fucking insane because of it.  That is more than a little bit metal.  Abilities include Call of the Void, Malefic Visions, and Nether Grasp.
     
WINNER: CHO’GATH
And I mean, really, how could it be anyone else?  Yorick and Volibear are both plenty Metal, but there is only one man-eating abyssal demon beast in this match, and he is maybe the most Metal competitor we have seen so far.  Only time will tell how he fares against the competitors that have already advanced…
Cho’Gath moves on to the Round of 8!


\m/ DAY 3, MATCH 2
Kassadin vs
Hecarim vs
Olaf vs
Sion
  • Kassadin, like Malzahar had a run-in with the Void and lived to tell about it.  Except instead of going insane, he just turned into some kind of badass as hell fantasy Darth Vader-type dude with a wicked fucking blade of unholy energy coming out of his arm.  On that alone, he is Metal as Fuck.
  • By the Unholy Ancient Ones, the League’s newest champion, Hecarim, is so fucking Metal that I almost feel like I shouldn’t have to explain why.  He’s a huge ass undead centaur thing that tramples entire armies without giving one single fuck.  His abilities include Rampage, Spirit of Dread, and Onslaught of Shadows.  I’ll let you fill in the missing letters: M _ _ _ _  A _  F _ _ _!!
  • Olaf is a berserker.  He is based on the historical berserkers, who were from Scandinavia—widely regarded as the most Metal geographical region in the world.  Not only that, but the berserkers were active during the Viking Age, which was the most Metal period in history.  And on top of that, the berserkers were EVEN MORE METAL than the other Vikings at the time, which is pretty fucking Metal.  He has two axes, which he uses to execute abilities such as Ragnarok and Berserker Rage.  Viking Metal Represent- Olaf is Metal as Fuck.
  • Noxus was a badass motherfucker who would charge into battle like a maniac and waste fools with a huge ass battleaxe.  Then one day, he got his head cut off.  But did that stop him?  Fuck no!  He came back as a fucking zombie to keep destroying all who stood before him!  That’s right.  He is indeed Metal as Fuck.
WINNER: HECARIM
Well, shit.  Everyone in this group could have won if placed in an easier initial match, and I hate to see three of these four absolutely METAL competitors go in round 1.  As much as I’d love to hand it to my Norse brother Olaf, I’ve gotta put bias aside and recognize that Hecarim is the true victor here.  He is so Metal that there are hardly words to describe it.
Hecarim moves on to the Round of 8!
 

Check back tomorrow to see the results of Batch 4, the final matches in the Round of 32!:

\m/ DAY 4, MATCH 1
Brand vs
Warwick vs
Fiddlesticks vs
Kog’Maw

and

\m/ DAY 4, MATCH 2
Nautilus vs
Urgot vs
Tryndamere vs
Shyvanna!

Was the third round of Battle Royales what you expected, or total bullshit?  Speak your minds, mortals! 

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) to continue on METAL MONDAY!

For those of you following along, the next round of battle royales to determine the most METAL League of Legends champion will be posted on Monday.  Stay tuned!

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) - Round of 32 BATTLE ROYALE, Batch 3!

Today we continue the competition to find out who is the most METAL champion in the League of Legends!  Here are the results from Day 2:

\m/ DAY 2, MATCH 1 
Xerath vs
Pantheon vs
Renekton vs
Udyr

  • Xerath is a mage who became so bat shit insanely powerful that he transcended his mortal form and had to be imprisoned by his own people.  That’s pretty Metal.
  • Pantheon is modeled on the ancient Spartans, who were just fucking Metal.  He lives for war, and prefers to fight only when significantly outnumbered.  At the end of the day, this guy is undeniably Metal.
  • Renekton is a motherfucking crocodile man who cuts his enemies into tiny pieces.  He was driven to madness by experiencing the evil in the hearts of others, which is totally Black Metal.  He has a “Tyrant form,” as well as abilities called Cull the Meek and Reign of Anger.  Metal.  As.  Fuck.
  • Udyr came from a civilized culture which he decided to tell to screw off and ran off into the woods to become a crazy wilderness hermit, which is a pure Folk Metal backstory.  He can take on the aspect of a Tiger or a Bear, which are both fucking Metal, but also a turtle, which is a weak ass animal and Not Metal at all.
WINNER: RENEKTON
Damn, this one was close, with a three-way deadlock between Renekton, Pantheon, and Udyr.  They each have some really Metal things about them, and some things that aren’t.  In the end, Udyr going off to learn to control his fury with some wuss ass peaceful monk dude knocked him down a peg, and Renekton getting his ass kicked by his good guy librarian brother wasn’t quite enough to downplay just how fucking Metal he is.
Renekton moves on to the Round of 8!

 
\m/ DAY 2, MATCH 2
Vladimir vs
Maokai vs
Sejuani vs
Morgana
  • Vladimir’s nickname is The Crimson Reaper, which is already Metal.  Before he was even a champion, he murdered other children just to watch them bleed. His abilities include Sanguine Pool, Tides of Blood, and Crimson Pact.  Basically all of his magic has to do with blood.  This guy is Black Metal to the motherfucking MAX.
  • Maokai killed the fuck out of everything around him as his first act as a sentient being, so he was pretty Metal from the start.  He also has an ability called Vengeful Maelstrom, which is about as Metal as you can get.  Unfortunately, he is a tree, and trees are Not Metal.  Also, his life goal is to turn back into a normal tree instead of continuing to fuck shit up as a vengeful animated tree.
  • Sejuani is a chick with a huge ass mace that runs around on a giant fucking crazy ass boar.  When she was a kid, she would wander out into blizzards naked with no food and shit just to prove that she could.  She sees the League of Legends as total bullshit and only joined to prove that she’s more hardcore than her enemies so she can lead a bunch of badass barbarians out of the cold north to conquer a bunch of weak-ass fools.  There is no part of her that is not Metal as Fuck.
  • Morgana is a gods-damned (literally) Fallen Angel.  You don’t even need to look beyond that to conclude that she is totally fucking Black Metal.  She spent her life mastering Dark Arts so she could totally destroy her bitch-ass good girl sister Kayle.  Her abilities are Dark Biding, Tormented Soil, Black Shield, Soul Shackles, and Soul Siphon.  Straight-up Metal as Fuck.
WINNER: VLADIMIR
This was the hardest match so far to call.  Sejuani, Morgana, and Vladimir are all fucking Metal enough to deserve major recognition.  At the end of the day, it was Sejuani’s reliance on an animal instead of just her own sheer badassery in battle and Morgana’s belief that she is fighting for Truth and Justice that let the dude who rips out your own fucking blood with his mind and fucking kills you with it pull ahead.
Vladimir moves on to the Round of 8!
 

Check back tomorrow to see the results of Batch 3:

\m/ DAY 3, MATCH 1
Cho’Gath vs
Yorick vs
Volibear vs
Malzahar

and

\m/ DAY 3, MATCH 2
Kassadin vs
Hecarim vs
Olaf vs
Sion!

Was the second round of Battle Royales what you expected, or total bullshit?  Speak your minds, mortals! 

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) - Round of 32 BATTLE ROYALE, Batch 2!

Today we continue the competition to find out who is the most METAL champion in the League of Legends!  Here are the results from Day 1:

\m/ DAY 1, MATCH 1 
Malphite vs
Karthus vs
Cassiopeia vs
Viktor

  • Malphite is a giant rock guy that runs people over and crushes shit, which is pretty Metal.  Bonus points for having an attack called Brutal Strikes.
  • Cassiopeia is part snake, which is also pretty Metal.  
  • Karthus is a motherfucking lich that lives in a haunted swamp with a fuckton of undead minions.  Basically all of his attacks could be badass metal songs: Lay Waste, Defile, Wall of Pain, Requiem, and Death Defied.  There are no two ways about it.  This dude is Metal as Fuck.
  • Viktor is a dude who replaced a lot of his body parts with mechanical ones for the sake of VENGEANCE.  Two of his abilities are called Death Ray and Chaos Storm.  He, too, is Metal As Fuck.
WINNER: KARTHUS
Viktor is a close second here, but there’s just no beating an insane, evil, undead badass this time around.  His champion quote is, ”Come visit me and I shall sing a dirge of your life as it once was.”  That is some hardcore Black Metal shit there.  Karthus moves on to the Round of 8!
 

\m/ DAY 1, MATCH 2
Nasus vs
Vayne vs
Nocturne vs
Skarner
  • Nasus is based on Anubis, who is not only a pagan god (very Metal), but also probably the most Metal character in all of Egyptian mythology. He also has an ability called Soul Eater.  Unfortunately, he loses points for being merciful, and a librarian—two things that are Not Metal.
  • Vayne watched her entire family butchered horribly by an evil witch as a child, and decided to become a badass monster hunter.  At least in terms of backstory, she is Metal as Fuck.
  • Nocturne is a living nightmare that indiscriminately slaughters not just citizens, but summoners—the heavyweight magical badasses of Runeterra.  His abilities include Duskbringer, Shroud of Darkness, and Unspeakable Horror.  It just doesn’t get much more Metal than that shit.
  • Skarner is a scorpion.  Scorpions are pretty fucking Metal.  He also impales people, which is pretty Metal.  Unfortunately, he is made out of crystal, which is kind of wussy bullshit and Not Metal.  His backstory also doesn’t involve vengeance or senseless rampages to any significant degree.
WINNER: NOCTURNE
A respectful nod to Vayne, but Nocturne is just so flat out fucking Black Metal that no one else in this group ever really stood a chance.  I mean, SHIT this guy is brutal.
Nocturne moves on to the Round of 8!
 

Check back tomorrow to see the results of Batch 2:

\m/ DAY 2, MATCH 1
Xerath vs
Pantheon vs
Renekton vs
Udyr

and

\m/ DAY 2, MATCH 2
Vladimir vs
Maokai vs
Sejuani vs
Morgana!

Was the first round of Battle Royales what you expected, or total bullshit?  Speak your minds, mortals! 

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser) - Round of 32 BATTLE ROYALE, Batch 1!

The Champions have been randomly seeded into a bracket!  For the Round of 32, four champions will test their METALness in a battle royale, and only one will emerge!

Today’s matches are:

\m/ DAY 1, MATCH 1 
Malphite vs
Karthus vs
Cassiopeia vs
Viktor

\m/ DAY 1, MATCH 2
Nasus vs
Vayne vs
Nocturne vs
Skarner

Results (and explanations) will be posted tomorrow along with that day’s match!  Of these eight, only two will move on!
You have until then to plead your cases, mortals!

Who is the MOST METAL LoL Champion? (Besides Mordekaiser)

I will spend the next few days crowning the MOST METAL League of Legends champion.
Mordekaiser is disqualified due to the fact that he would win by default, so he will sit atop a podium of spiky, flaming guitars and judge the competitors below.
If you would like to present an argument for who you think should win, DO IT!

Here are the champions that passed my preliminary “Are You Metal Enough to Even Compete?” lighting round:

Brand, The Burning Vengeance
Cassiopeia, The Serpent’s Embrace
Cho’Gath, Terror of the Void
Fiddlesticks, The Harbinger of Doom
Hecarim, The Shadow of War
Karthus, The Deathsinger
Kassadin, The Void Walker
Kog’Maw, The Mouth of the Abyss
Malphite, Shard of the Monolith
Malzahar, The Void Prophet
Maokai, The Twisted Treant
Morgana, Fallen Angel
Nasus, The Curator of the Sands
Nautilus, The Titan of the Depths
Nocturne, The Eternal Nightmare
Olaf, The Berserker
Pantheon, The Artisan of War
Renekton, The Butcher of the Sands
Sejuani, The Winter’s Wrath
Sion, The Undead Champion
Skarner, The Crystal Vanguard
Vayne, The Night Hunter
Shyvana, The Half-Dragon
Tryndamere, The Barbarian King
Udyr, The Animal Spirit
Urgot, The Headsman’s Pride
Viktor, The Machine Herald
Vladimir, The Crimson Reaper
Volibear, The Thunder’s Roar
Warwick, The Blood Hunter
Xerath, The Magus Ascendant
Yorick, The Gravedigger

Minecraft Hardcore Mode Roleplay Blog: CHAPTER 1

This is the story of Njargrad the Red, and his adventures in the world of Minecraft…

Njargrad, circa 2008

Njargrad is a bold Viking explorer from the land of the midnight sun.  He was out sailing the waves in search of a monastery to plunder one day, when he found himself dumped into a strange, wild land with only his bearskin britches, his sturdy leather boots, and his epic beard.  His trusty axe, Helga, and mighty shield were nowhere to be found.

Njargrad looked around in all directions.  This is what he saw…

To the East…

East...

To the North…

North

To the West…

West

And to the South…

South

It seemed he had arrived atop a mighty peak, just South of a sprawling jungle.  He could jut barely make out a few snow-capped trees to the Southeast- a great boon for our hero!  Having come from the land of the Midnight Sun, he was most at home in the cold and snow.  And so he decided to climb to the top of the peak and get a better look…

Before him, it seemed, was a frosty forested vale, through which ran a partly-frozen river.  Beyond, he could just see the edge of a foreboding marsh.

Being an explorer, he longed to begin a trek into the valley to see what it might hold.  But he knew that in this vast wilderness, there might lurk dangerous beasts.  Before anything else, he would have to build a temporary shelter.

He started by leveling the top of the mountain…

By hand, mind you…

He picked up some seeds from the wild grasses along the way, assuming they might come in handy if he couldn’t find enough wild game to hunt.

Next, he used the rocky soil to lay a foundation, two bricks thick on each side to withstand anything that might try to attack him while he slept…

He dug the foundation deeper down into the mountaintop for stability, and to save on materials.

Lastly came a roof, with only one elevated window.  It would allow him to see out and know when day had come and he could safely emerge, but was too high off the ground and too small for anything dangerous to enter through.

A fine shelter indeed, given what he had on hand.

It would not do permanently, but with night soon to come, speed was more important than anything.

Satisfied with the construction of his temporary home, Njargrad decided he had just enough daylight left to venture out and survey the land surrounding what he decided to name Awakening Peak.

And that was when the true adventure began…

TO BE CONTINUED!

Minecraft Hardcore Mode Roleplay Blog: INTRO

What you are about to read is a tale told in words and screenshots.  A tale of epic and daring adventure, set in a world eight times the size of our earth.  A world of Zombies, pigs, zombie pigs, spiders, cave spiders, and maybe if you’re lucky, cave zombie Spider-Pigs.  No promises on that last one.

This is part one of my MINECRAFT HARDCORE MODE ROLEPLAY BLOG!

Read More

Minecraft Hardcore Play Blog Incoming

After not playing Minecraft in months, I’m loading up the newest version. I notice there’s a new mode called “Hardcore.”

All the monsters are tougher.
If you don’t eat, you die.
If you die, your world gets deleted.

It’s been a while since I did a playthrough blog. You all ready for this?

Musing on games and society.

In a world with so much negative media, I’m glad we have games like Angry Birds putting out a positive message: When some pigs steal your babies, you get some friends together, turn into living projectiles, and mess them up big 

It also promotes racial cooperation- red, white, black, and yellow banding together against those dirty green folks.

E3 Wrap-Up

Some closing thoughts on E3.

Before we do anything else, though…

Or to put it more simply…

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get onto the other highlight of the show…

Freaking DRAGONS!

I’m not even a huge fan of dragons.  In my opinion they are more than a bit overused.  But the 15-minute Skyrim demo has completely convinced me to give them a second chance.  This is how dragons should be- huge, ruthless apex predators that swoop down from the sky and pwn (in the face, mind you) everything within a fairly large radius.  With fire.

Skyrim is undoubtedly one of the trinity of my Most Anticipated Games showed off at this year’s E3.  Beyond the huge fucking dragons, I was actually very impressed with the interface- something Bethesda has never done super well in the past.  The fact that the map is actually just a zoomed-out view of the game world was particularly impressive.

The other huge improvement over Elder Scrolls past were the animations.  Everything moved realistically.  The way the giant loped toward the camera, being realistically weighed down on one side by his huge club, really sold for me just how great this game looks.

Next on my list…

Yeah, I think any guy who doesn’t admit to being a little bit gay for the smuggler in Star Wars: The Old Republic’s “Return” trailer is a little bit lying.  The disappointing part is that, aside from the trailer, we didn’t get a lot of info that made me more excited for the game.  This could be, largely, because it is not humanly possible for me to be more excited for this game… but there you go.

We got a look at Tatooine, which is gorgeous if a bit too Warcraft-y (giant mountains everywhere to divide the world into sections) for my taste.  Ironically, World of Warcraft’s Tanaris zone looks more open and more like I think Tatooine should than TOR’s Tatooine.  /shrug

Oh, and there’s the Jawa named Blizz which, while hilarious, is specific to the Bounty Hunter class.  Which is pretty low on my list in terms of what order I plan to play all the classes in.

Tune into The Holocron podcast this weekend for more of my reactions to TOR news at E3.  In the mean time, onto the final big gun of the show…

Battlefield is back with a vengeance, and I’m predicting that Call of Duty’s days of market dominance are numbered.  In all respects, Battlefield is looking to just simply be a better game- on all platforms, but particularly on PC.

Modern Warfare loyalists, feel free to pair of in your little 8-vs-8 skirmishes and shoot each-other to death in little sandboxes all day.  I’ll be logging onto a 64-player mayhem fest in Battlefield 3, driving my tank over enemies while dodging strafing runs from player-piloted jets overhead on maps so big you’d probably get lost on them.

The PC multiplayer shooter is back, and its name is Battlefield 3.

And so we close the doors on yet another year.  Let’s hope by the time E3 2012 rolls around, we have half as much awesomeness to stare in awe at as this year.  And also, that the Ubisoft guy chills out a bit.  Seriously, I think he might need medication.

Jun 6

E3 Liveblog

I am T.J., one of the recurring guest hosts of The Holocron podcast, a show about Star Wars: The Old Republic. 

No, I’m not at E3… but I will be watching the press conferences live with everyone else and offering my insight here.  Interested?  Tell a friend.

—After this point, posts are in descending time order- so newest first, oldest at the bottom.  Times are in Pacific Time so as to coincide with E3.—

7:28 PDT_ This is a test.  I found a free liveblogging platform, hopefully it works…

…and we’re in business!

7:20 PDT_ For those who don’t already know the schedule, we’ve got the Microsoft Conference at 9:30, and EA at 12:30, which is what I’m mainly interested in.  I may or may not blog the Ubisoft conference at 2:30.

If you want to send in questions, pose them to @AsaTJ on Twitter or send me a message via Tumblr and I will respond to them here.

7:08 PDT_ Posts should look like this.  I’m trying to figure out if there’s a way for me to make this auto-refresh, but until I do, keep that F5 key handy.

Jun 5

Hey there, cool person! Why has no one asked you any questions yet?

Well, other person who is distinct from me in both identity and reality, I’m not sure.  If I had to take a guess, I’d just say that maybe they’re not awesome enough yet.

Want to be awesome?  Ask me a question!  It is a little known fact that I happen to have an answer to every question in existence.  Some of them are even CORRECT answers!  So ask away!

Descartes-craft II

So I just took a break from a 7-10 page term paper over the philosophy of Renee Descartes that is due… wait for it… tomorrow to play a couple ladder matches.  My strat seems to still be holding strong, though one zerg player did give me a run for my money with massed roaches before I could get my starports up.  Didn’t lose a single game, though, and I’m one match away from breaking into the top 50% of my Silver Division.  

I’m pretty happy with where I stand right now.  I feel like I’m getting better all the time- better at timing my expos, better at spending all of my resources… heck, I might even try some different tech paths before too long.  It’s not like my Thor/Banshee dream team can hold up against all races and all strats forever.  I have an interesting Viking/Ghost idea I’d like to test out on some custom maps before I take it to the ladder.  If anyone wants a Terran “sparring” partner of mid-Silver skill-level, hit me up at Trath.asatj.

Now back to having my soul slowly sucked out of my eye sockets by analysis of the Cogito argument.